...I need new goals.
I did make some progress financially. I still owe people money, but the credit cards are clear now, so the interest and late fees no longer haunt me. I have a positive balance in my checking account, and can pull cash from the ATM when needed. I can purchase small items without much difficulty. And I do so, to facilitate whatever time I'm able to spend with my friends.
This last part gained a sense of urgency these past few months, as work and classes took me out of the house 15 hours a day and began to seep into the weekend.
But even knowing where it comes from, I still overcompensate. I must buy things, and eat whatever appeals to me, because these acts have taken a place alongside basic human rights in my mind. You can only sacrifice so much, after all.
Which, of course, makes the sacrifice pointless.
I am governed by a system of checks and balances. I exist to block myself.
Fortunately, things are moving along according to plan. Plans, even. Two contradictory plans whose results I'm sometimes able to convince myself will co-exist peacefully. I'll have my MCSE certification three weeks from now, which is a foot in the door towards much higher salaries. And six weeks later, I'll own the production software which inspired me to go to these lengths in the first place, back in March. These are my lights at either end of the tunnel.
Sure, it's tunnel-vision. But at least I'm a visionary. =)
...but when I lose focus for even a second, I'm forced to see the big picture. And in it, I have become the ungrateful punk who treats luxury as hardship and whines because there's too many opportunities to deal with.
How on earth did that happen?