some guy (self) wrote,
some guy

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and on THAT note, I'm going back to sleep.

I didn't think it was possible to hit bottom with sleep deprivation, but this is just unacceptable:

I remember a conversation, in which my father tells me one of my best friends has been killed in a car accident in Santa Monica. I dream that my parents and I are at the house he used to live in, going through his things. My father is frustrated because he wants to find an adjustable pair of crutches, but all the crutches we encounter are clearly labeled with fixed sizes. I note absentmindedly that none of them are the same size. And then I wake up.

Suddenly, I feel terrible. I've been leaving messages on my friend's answering machine, and his computer at work. How could I be so insensitive? How could I have blocked out the memory of his death? That just seems disrespectful, so I'm desperately trying to remember details of the conversation. When did that take place? It's all hazy - I've been so out of it lately...

I was at his house two evenings ago. It took me a while to remember enough to verify that, but yes, that memory is real. Yesterday, I managed to sleep through most of the day, and had no human contact until about 4pm. Could the conversation have happened between there? No... I left when I did so he could sleep before work the next morning. Why would he be in Santa Monica between then? So, it either had to be after 4pm, or prior to my visiting him the other day. Well, one of those is impossible.

So, after 4pm... One of my friends was organizing a game night. This is why I was calling, to invite him. The thought strikes me that maybe his parents will be comforted a little, going through his answering machine. Unless the conversation was earlier, at which point the message is that his friends never really listened. I feel hopeful, and bad. Need to resolve this.

I think.. Yes. I did reach him, around 8:30. The conversation feels much more distant than that. Perhaps I dreamed it a while ago, and remembered that dream in this one? Or is my mind filling in details to reinforce my denial of the situation?

So, I make my way over to the computer, and start typing up this entry. I always think better when the words are in front of me - I can sort my thoughts with a few copy and paste operations.

And while I'm typing, he pops up in AIM to respond to something I sent him at work. So, that settles it. He's not dead.

Should I worry about where the false memory came from? That friend and I were in a car crash together some while back, but he drives much more defensively now, largely as a result of that. Still, that memory lurking in the back of my mind could probably account for this. On the other hand, I can't tell you how many of these things I write off, only to have them come true years later.

...only, there's never any evidence of the initial premonition by that point. Just an extremely strong case of Deja Vu. This time, if it's real, I'll have my journal to point at.
    "There! See? I'm not insane!"
Except, for an hour or two, I really wasn't sure.
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