June 17th, 2001

self portrait (escher)

Divide by Zero

If you gave me a choice between finding true love and the chance to live the rest of my life without another reminder that I'm single, I'd have to go with the latter.

If you gave me a choice between winning the lottery and the chance to live the rest of my life without another reminder that I'm broke, I'd have to pick that second one.

If you gave me a choice between perpetual happiness and the chance to live the rest of my life without encountering another happy person, it'd be door #2, no question.

After a while, your expectations lower that far.

You could offer me the world, but I'd rather have nothing.
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self portrait (escher)

Sorting through papers brings back more memories...

Back at CalArts, my best friend was a guy named Kevin Kmetz. Amazing guitar player, and probably the best musician I've ever met. Second year, I introduced him to my neighbor, Adam Keeney, another composer and guitar player. They hit it off, and a few years later formed a band called the J.S. Bach Experience (along with Theo Mordey and Darren Burns, but I had no part in introducing them). JSBX performed rock covers of Bach's greatest pieces. They were very good.

Kevin found himself stalling for time at one of the first performances, when Darren's amplifier broke onstage.

"Tell a Bach joke!" I suggested from the audience. So, Kevin improvised one. And it was horrible. As luck would have it, there was a reviewer in the audience, and they liked the Bach joke. Mentioned it in their review. Which meant the band would have to come up with more Bach jokes to tell at their next show.

Clearly, this wasn't going to happen. So, we set up a contest on their website, offering a free CD to whoever submitted the best joke that month. I don't believe we got a single submission on time, but they came pouring in a week or two after the deadline. My personal favorite was "Why did Bach have so many children? / Because there were no stops on his organ." But like I said, that came in too late.

Still, the announcement had been made, and we had to present a CD to someone at the next show. So the guys asked everyone they knew to submit something. And I just found a copy of mine.

I'll warn you up front, it's deliberately obtuse. You won't get the joke if you haven't taken a semester or two of music theory. It made Kevin laugh, though.

Not that he used it, mind you.

He chose instead to go with one by a girl named Stacy Jones, who he ended up marrying two years later.

I still insist mine was better. But I'm glad I didn't end up marrying Kevin in her place.

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