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Previously on...
    When this journal started, I was all about documenting the psycho tricks my mind plays on me. Haven't done that in a while. For those of you who've joined in recently, self's a lunatic.

    And, now you're caught up!
-----

So, I'm lying in bed last night, and as is so often the case, I start thinking of all the responsibilities I forgot to deal with during the course of the day. My mind forms checklists, starts planning out the next day's agenda to make up for these failures, but with nothing on paper, I know we'll go through this again.

I find myself counting calories from the day's meals -- an old habit from the dieting effort. If I haven't eaten enough, I'll drag myself out of bed to fix that. If I've eaten too much, I review the past week or so to decide how strict I need to be with myself tomorrow. Well, this past week or two, our freezer's been broken, so I've been at the mercy of restaurants to have my best interests at heart -- otherwise known as "ignore the diet and hope for the best."

I was thinking through all that, and decide there isn't a lot of leeway left. So, some tough decisions need to be made about my birthday -- do I have cake, or skip it? Maybe a cupcake, for portion control. But then do I buy those from Vons or Ralphs?
    See, Vons makes the better cake, and that's really what I'm craving. Their cupcakes are just small cakes, really, but I can't seem to accept that. It feels wrong to me that they should taste as they do, so I tend to favor Ralphs in the cupcake size -- their cakes aren't as good, I think because they're essentially very large cupcakes. More pure to the cupcake ideal, if you will.

    The mind's a funny thing, and so much of taste is psychological. I know there's no reason behind these statements, and yet they're irrefutable to me. The bakery departments at Vons and Ralphs are simply unable to handle more than one size of cake. Their recipes call for a specific amount of surface area, and they don't even compensate for the presence (or absence) of ridgy paper covering.
But then, I go back to this "skip the cake" idea. If I need to launch back into the diet, nothing makes me take a thing seriously like sacrificing something I really want. But, I really want the cake. And didn't God tell Abraham we're not supposed to go through with such plans?

Around this time, I realize that I am tasting Vons cake. The frosting in particular. I roll it around in my mouth, sensing not just the taste, but weight and texture. It's a vivid hallucination, more so than I could have brought about by trying to visualize myself eating the cake. Part of me marvels at this, but it can't last -- wonder be damned, the rational mind demands an explanation.

Have I had this type of cake recently?
      No. That would have been October, at my nephew's birthday party.

Have I eaten anything at all similar to cake, and then forgot to chew and swallow it before going to bed?
      Eww. No!

Well, taste and smell are closely related -- is there anything in your bedroom that smells like birthday cake?
      That gives me pause. I catch myself listing off objects and stop myself -- there's an easier way. I take a deep breath to and will myself to perceive odors normally far in the background.

Suddenly, it's not cake I'm tasting, and "laundry" moves to the top of my neglected to-do list.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
davidwithaknife
Jan. 27th, 2005 09:25 am (UTC)
The mind is a strange, strange thing, and it gets even stranger when you give it little pink, shield-shaped pills (a.k.a. anti-depressants).
self
Jan. 27th, 2005 09:36 am (UTC)
That's not encouraging. I thought those were supposed to make things better in that regard.
davidwithaknife
Jan. 28th, 2005 02:30 am (UTC)
Neither is the (so-called) help I got from nurses and doctors at the psychiatric ward they kept me in very encouraging. They didn't even know what bloody side-effects the pills they gave me had, and when I complained about them - severe* ones like memory loss, too - they just said that no, they haven't heard about anything like that coming from those pills.

Nota bene, my mum checked them up on the Internet (there's an official site called FASS.se with details on gadzillions of meds) and alerted me over the phone, the very same day. The nurse in question wasn't very happy when confronted about it...

And, just in case you've missed my writing about it, I ended up in a sealed psychiatric ward for a week because I burnt myself out so severely that I didn't know if I had the strength to recover from it. I am now, though. Without pills.
self
Jan. 28th, 2005 03:45 am (UTC)
This feels like a platitude, but there's nowhere to go but up from here. You've hit bottom, and it sounds like you're about ready to start climbing out again. The resolve in your tone tells me this, and it's a good thing.

Anything I can do to help, let me know...
davidwithaknife
Jan. 28th, 2005 07:29 am (UTC)
Thank you. :) I miss talking to you over AIM/iChat. Been too long.

And, I am already climbing. Even if I do fall down a little bit every now and then, I'm getting there.
lightways
Jan. 27th, 2005 10:07 am (UTC)
hmmm...
Never thought of laundry that way. Maybe I should, then technomonkey wouldn't be doing it all the time instead of me.

Anyway... Happy Laundry-flavored Cake Day!!
_allolex
Jan. 27th, 2005 11:11 am (UTC)
Compared to...

And not just any laundry, dirty laundry. Actually, not bad at all compared to some of the things we fished out of his parents' freezer when we were 12 (or 20)...
speedball
Jan. 27th, 2005 12:58 pm (UTC)
That reminds me...
Happy Birthday!
self
Jan. 28th, 2005 03:47 am (UTC)
Thanks!

I bought myself a copy of the "I am Sam" soundtrack today. Nothing but Beatles covers. Good musicians, faithful renditions, I think you'd like it.
speedball
Jan. 28th, 2005 07:13 am (UTC)
Yeah, I got the Heather Nova and the Ben Folds song off of that with the iTunes free song promotion with Pepsi last year.

And they're going to be doing that again this year. Any other recommendations?
self
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:47 am (UTC)
recommendations
If you're looking for individual songs, check out "Maybe" and "Crickets Sing for Anamaria", both filed under artist name "Emma" -- they're a pretty strong departure from her previous incarnation (you might know her as Baby Spice). In fact, the rest of her album might be a little too grown up, but the two I've named are both fun. "Who the Hell Are You?" isn't bad, either.

(I heard "Maybe" on the radio, but I've been listening mostly to KPFK, so that doesn't mean a lot in terms of airplay or popularity)


The Ditty Bops are just infectious. Not sure how else to describe 'em, but I really enjoy their album. I can't see you not liking it as well. They'll be at the Troubador on the 27th. Might be worth driving out for.


I've mentioned this one before, but definitely check out Frou Frou's "Details" CD (and Imogen Heap's "I Megaphone" if you can find a copy). She's a hell of a singer, with a truly unique sound. (you probably heard "Beauty in the Breakdown" during the end credits of Garden State, or her bizarre cover of "Holding Out For a Hero" during the end credits of Shrek 2). New CD should be out next month, online and in the UK at least. I have the single, and it's great.


Likewise, you can't go wrong with Venus Hum - either of their CDs are fully worth having. Go ahead and skip the "Switched on Christmas" EP, though. Just "Big Beautiful Sky" and "Songs For Superheroes"...


I wouldn't necessarily recommend this one, but while I'm scrolling through playlists, why not? It's a free download, and we've waited forever for a new recording from these guys... Check out what Spiralmouth's been up to. It's like a radioactive sugar high for your ears!


I guess that's enough for now. Check with Joel, by the way -- I've loaned him a few of these, so he might be able to give you a preview. (in fact, if he didn't already hook you up with the Twinsanity soundtrack, you give that boy a stern talkin' to)
egheaumaen
Jan. 27th, 2005 11:10 pm (UTC)
Your Nephew's Birthday is November 27
If you stored some of his birthday cake in your room, maybe that was what you were eating last night. It had just solidified into a sock shape.

Can't decide if that's more disgusting or less...
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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