Periodically, I'd glance down at the letter and was each time surprised by how my reaction had changed.
- When I walked in there, I was very much hoping the boss would accept these terms I've set down. There'd be just enough time there to get my projects done, and just enough money to get out of debt and maybe cover the Adobe pre-order.
- A few minutes later, "short timer's syndrome" had set in. I started rooting for the boss to throw me out of the building so I wouldn't have to go back there anymore.
- Not long after that, I just wanted my comfortable routine back.
A few minutes later, when I went outside to sit on a bench and fix my shoelaces, I was overwhelmed with a profound sense of being completely empty and alone. Which is when it sunk in that none of that had anything to do with leaving my job.
The trigger wasn't glancing down at this letter, as I'd thought. It was actually a minute earlier, when another friend approached me with one of these:
How are you doing?
Okay, I guess.
Yeah, I know. You can never really be okay.
It's hard to believe that with the whole "empty and alone" thing looming over you.
So, yeah. Emotions are sneaky...