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ambushed

Rather than head straight home yesterday, I stopped by a friend's place of work to show them my letter of resignation since I wasn't sure I wanted to tell my family yet, and wanted some feedback on this decision. Their shift was almost over, so I stuck around a while.

Periodically, I'd glance down at the letter and was each time surprised by how my reaction had changed.
  • When I walked in there, I was very much hoping the boss would accept these terms I've set down. There'd be just enough time there to get my projects done, and just enough money to get out of debt and maybe cover the Adobe pre-order.

  • A few minutes later, "short timer's syndrome" had set in. I started rooting for the boss to throw me out of the building so I wouldn't have to go back there anymore.

  • Not long after that, I just wanted my comfortable routine back.
That struck me as funny, given how long I've wanted to do this. So, I started looking for outside influences I might be misinterpreting. I was getting hungry, and had been standing up a while. Those might have done it.

A few minutes later, when I went outside to sit on a bench and fix my shoelaces, I was overwhelmed with a profound sense of being completely empty and alone. Which is when it sunk in that none of that had anything to do with leaving my job.

The trigger wasn't glancing down at this letter, as I'd thought. It was actually a minute earlier, when another friend approached me with one of these:
    friend:
    How are you doing?

    self:
    Okay, I guess.

    friend:
    Yeah, I know. You can never really be okay.
Yes, I can! 80% of the time, I am perfectly okay. Nothing wrong, thanks for asking. The other 20%? Probably wouldn't be so high if everyone could just back off a little.

I think.

It's hard to believe that with the whole "empty and alone" thing looming over you.

So, yeah. Emotions are sneaky...

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
sencollins
Jul. 8th, 2003 06:02 pm (UTC)
A Couple Things
First of all, no one is going to fault you for wearing your emotions on your sleeve for a while. It's a difficult time and you, being like me, tend to internalize things, deal with them evenhandedly and unemotionally, generally with a good sense of humor.
Unfortunately, your emotions need some escape right now and they will find a way out. I can still remember going to some cheesy movie with a way overdone ending and I was nearly weeping. Since this is the only movie I have ever cried at, I was very upset that it was a lame movie to cry at instead of Old Yeller or the like, which would be understood by more people. After thinking it over long and hard, I realized that my grandfather had passed away two weeks before and I had never really dealt with it. So, it decided it was time to come out in some sappy movie.
Personally, I think you can be okay and are okay. I'd even be willing to say its above the 80% you claim... But with that being said, what is "perfecty okay"?

Sorry, I'm an ass. =o)
self
Jul. 8th, 2003 10:56 pm (UTC)
They don't say that up in Davis? Must be a regional thing.
I don't mind them finding a way out. Heck, I'd give 'em a map.

I think it's a problem of sequence. On the one hand, there's irrational response to rational stimulus. On the other, rational response to irrational stimulus. Does the thought trigger the emotion, or the emotion trigger the thought? The first way's more chaotic, but you can still examine it scientifically. The second way is misleadingly linear - decisions based on momentary glitches, on faulty input.

...what's funny is I was awake enough to type these words, but not awake enough to make sense of 'em. Had I the mental faculties, there might be a conclusion reached. Whatever. I sleep now.
arnurna
Jul. 8th, 2003 06:34 pm (UTC)
Your feelings and reactions are completely understandable. You've just suffered a tremendous loss, and a great shock. You are also making major changes in your life. This friend of yours was acting like a jerk (even if he was trying to be sympathetic).

I know I only see what you post, but I think you are doing remarkably well. And this feeling 'empty and alone' is better than feeling nothing at all, even when it sneaks up on you.
self
Jul. 8th, 2003 11:03 pm (UTC)
Not sure which is better, to be honest. Right now, I'd rather feel nothing.

Perhaps it's fortunate that I wasn't given the choice.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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