some guy (self) wrote,
some guy
self

  • Mood:

ambushed

Rather than head straight home yesterday, I stopped by a friend's place of work to show them my letter of resignation since I wasn't sure I wanted to tell my family yet, and wanted some feedback on this decision. Their shift was almost over, so I stuck around a while.

Periodically, I'd glance down at the letter and was each time surprised by how my reaction had changed.
  • When I walked in there, I was very much hoping the boss would accept these terms I've set down. There'd be just enough time there to get my projects done, and just enough money to get out of debt and maybe cover the Adobe pre-order.

  • A few minutes later, "short timer's syndrome" had set in. I started rooting for the boss to throw me out of the building so I wouldn't have to go back there anymore.

  • Not long after that, I just wanted my comfortable routine back.
That struck me as funny, given how long I've wanted to do this. So, I started looking for outside influences I might be misinterpreting. I was getting hungry, and had been standing up a while. Those might have done it.

A few minutes later, when I went outside to sit on a bench and fix my shoelaces, I was overwhelmed with a profound sense of being completely empty and alone. Which is when it sunk in that none of that had anything to do with leaving my job.

The trigger wasn't glancing down at this letter, as I'd thought. It was actually a minute earlier, when another friend approached me with one of these:
    friend:
    How are you doing?

    self:
    Okay, I guess.

    friend:
    Yeah, I know. You can never really be okay.
Yes, I can! 80% of the time, I am perfectly okay. Nothing wrong, thanks for asking. The other 20%? Probably wouldn't be so high if everyone could just back off a little.

I think.

It's hard to believe that with the whole "empty and alone" thing looming over you.

So, yeah. Emotions are sneaky...
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